THE SCENE: TFW you’re totally pious and chaste, but your mom keeps urging you to have sex with the virgins she puts in your bed.
THE TEXT: Malcolm, the elder of his grandsons, while yet a boy, succeeded to David, king of the Scots, above mentioned. Rivaling his venerable grandsire in many of his virtues, and nobly surpassing him in others, he shone like a heavenly star in the midst of a barbarous and perverse generation. For, prevented by God by the blessing of goodness, that from his youth he should imbibe the fervor of celestial love, he so excelled throughout his whole life in immaculate chastity, humility, innocence, and an unsullied conscience, as well as equal sweetness and gravity of manners, that among seculars, whom he resembled only in habit, he appeared a monk, and among his subjects an angel upon earth. Such things were wonderful indeed in a king, but more especially in the king of so uncivilized a nation; nevertheless, by God’s directing hand, he so governed all his actions that, so far from being an object of contempt to the barbarians on account of his virtues, he was rather one of admiration and regard; while, by his royal authority and severity, he was a terror to the rebellious and the wicked. Still there were some persons who, ripe for fresh commotions, either thought to attack him, or else to withhold his dues, But God, evidently working with him, either so depressed or subdued them, that all from that time feared to molest a man befriended by the Almighty.
Neither, again, was there wanting, on his approach to manhood, a set of people sent against him by the devil, who, regardless of the loss of their own chastity, were anxious to inflame his desire for sensual gratification, by unholy attempts and vicious insinuations. But he who was already desirous of following the Lamb whithersoever He went, had so deeply imbibed the spirit of unblemished purity, and knew from the secret instructions of God, not of man, that this treasure was to be guardedly kept in frail flesh as in an earthen vessel, at first treated with contempt the lewd persuasions of his associates, or such as he looked up to as instructors; but, on their persisting, he so checked them authoritatively, both by words and countenance, that from that time none of them dared to suggest such things.
The enemy, thus foiled in this respect invidiously proceeded further, and laid a more subtle stratagem for this child of God. He instructed his mother to administer the secret poison, under the cover of maternal affection, and not merely to ensnare him by blandishments, but even to compel him, by her authority; she reminded him that he was not a monk, but a monarch, and suggested to him that female embraces were highly becoming his age and person. Constrained rather than overcome by the entreaties of his mother, that he might not distress her, he yielded a seeming compliance. Joyously attending on her son when he had retired to bed, she placed by his unresisting side a beautiful and noble virgin. When left alone by the departure of his attendants, and more inflamed by the love of charity than inordinate desire, he immediately arose, and relinquishing the royal couch the whole night to the maiden, slept on the floor, covered only with a cloak. Being found in this situation next morning by the chamberlains, this — corroborated by the testimony of the damsel herself — established the purity of both of them. He prevented his mother from ever again presuming on a similar attempt by the authority of his determined constancy, however disposed she might be either to reproach or allure.
– History of English Affairs, William of Newburgh, 12th Century AD
