THE SCENE: In this bawdy Medieval french poem, a knight who can’t figure out how to have sex with his new wife gets a little help from his mother-in-law.
THE TEXT:
Because his lineage was old
And he had much silver and gold,
His friends procured for him a wife.
When they began their married life,
He left her virgin one whole year.
That put the damsel in despair,
Who longed to have gratification
He never rose to the occasion,
So inexperienced was he,
Nor tackled her virginity,
Yet he had often held her tight
And naked in his arms at night,
And it only increased her ardor
To feel his parsnip growing harder
Against her flanks and on her thighs,
Which were so soft and white and nice.
When she no more could tolerate
Letting things go on at this rate,
She asked her mother to come see ‘er.
What happened next you now will hear.
She told her of her plight and gave her
A full account of his behavior.
The lady’s quick to realize
That simpleness beclouds his eyes.
Taking his hand, she led the knight,
The next day or that very night
(I’m not sure which), who she did bring
To her room lined with paneling,
Then showed her thighs to the man’s view
And, spreading wide apart her two
Legs, let him see her Lady Jane.
“Sir Robert,” she tried to explain,
“Do you see something in this cove
Either below or up above?”
“Indeed two holes, lady,” he said.
“The top one, sir, how is it made?”
“Longer, I’d say, than it is wide.”
“And the hole on the bottom side?”
“It’s shorter.” “Be sure to take care
That your prick doesn’t go in there,
For it’s not made to put pricks in –
To put one there is a grave sin! –
But in the long one, there you may,
And then you ought to bang away
And, when you reach your passion’s height,
Tighten your cheeks with all your might.”
“Lady, do you want me to stick
The longer one now with my prick?”
“No. That, my friend, you must not do,
For now it is forbidden you,
Whereas my daughter has a pair
More pleasing, newer and more fair.
Fuck her long, skinny one tonight,
Whatever your qualms or your fright.”
“Glad to oblige, lady!” said he.
“Her hole will not be safe from me,
For I will poke it with my sausage.
But what will I do with my package?”
“Beat it against the hole that’s short
When you besiege the long in sport.”
– The Stupid Knight, Gautier le Leu, 13th Century AD
