THE SCENE: This humorous and raucous 16th Century story, which is told from a cat’s point of view, provides an interesting window into the interpersonal dynamics and daily rhythms of a small town England at the time.
THE TEXT: In this house dwelt an ungracious fellow, who delighting much in unhappy turns, on a time took four walnut shells, and filled them full of soft resin, and put them upon my feet, and then put my feet into cold water till the resin was hardened, and then he let me go. But Lord how strange it was to me to go in shoes, and how they vexed me for when I ran upon any steep thing they made me slide and fall down. Wherefore all that afternoon, for anger that I could not get of my shoes, I hid me in a corner of the garret which was boarded, under which my Master and Mistress lay. And at night when they were all in bed I spied a Mouse playing in the floor, and when I ran at her to catch her my shoes made such a noise upon the boards that it waked my Master who was a man very fearful of spirits. And when he with his servants harkened well to the noise, which went pit pat, pit pat, as it had been the trampling of a horse, they waxed all afraid and said surely it was the devil.
And as one of them, a hardy fellow — the one who had put the shoes on me — came upstairs to see what it was. I went downward to meet him and made such a rattling, that when he saw my glistering eyes he fell down backward, and broke his head crying out the devil the devil, the devil, which his Master and all the rest hearing ran naked as they were into the street, and cried the same cry whereupon the neighbors arose and called up an old Priest, who lamented much the lack of holy water, which they were forbidden to make, he went to church and took out of the Font some of the Christening water and took his Chalice and a wafer unconsecrated and put on a shirt and his scarf about his neck, and fetched out of his chamber a piece of holy Candle which he had kept two year and herewith he came to the house and with his Candle light in the one hand and a holy water sprinkle in the other hand, and his Chalice and wafer in sight in his bosom and a pot of Font water at his girdle, up he came praying toward the garret, and all the people after him.
And when I saw this, and thinking I should have seen some mass that night as many nights before in other places I had, I ran towards them thinking to meet them. But when the Priest heard me come, and by a glimpsing had seen me, down he fell upon them that were behind him which with his chalice hurt one, with his water pot another and his holy candle fell into another Priest’s breech beneath, who was conjuring our maid at the stair foot, for he was so afraid with the noise of the rest which fell that he had not the power to put it out. When I saw all this business, down I ran among them where they lay on heaps but such a fear as they were all in then I think was never seen afore. For the old Priest which was so tumbled among them that his face lay upon a boys bare ass, which belike was fallen headlong under him was so astonished; then when the boy (which for fear beshit himself) had raised his face, he neither felt nor smelt it nor removed from him.
Then went I to my dame who lay among the rest, and so mewed and curled about her, that at last she said I think it to be my Cat. The knave that had put the shoes on me heard this, and calling to mind that which he had forgot, said it was so indeed and nothing else. That hearing the Priest, in whose holy breech the holy candle all this while lay burning; he took heart a grace, and before he was spied rose up and took the candle in his hand and looked upon me and all the rest of the company, and fell a laughing at the handsome lying of his fellow’s face. The rest hearing him came every man to himself and arose and looked upon me and cursed the knave which had shod me, who would in no case be a known of it. This done they got hot water and dissolved the pitch, and plucked of my shoes and then every man after they desired each other not to be a-known of this nights work for shame, departed to their lodgings, and all our household went to bed again.
– Beware the Cat, William Baldwin, 16th Century AD
