THE SCENE: In this ribald 16th century tale, a cat recounts how she expressed her loyalty to her master by exposing a scene of sexual impropriety in a way that only a cat could.
THE TEXT: Mouselyn proceeded, and said, I played another prank and that was this. A Gentleman who came often home to our house, and always in my Masters absence was doing it with my Dame. Wherefore desirous that my Master might know it, for they spent his goods so lavishly between them, that not withstanding his great trade of merchandise they had, unwitting to him, almost undone him already, I sought how I might betray them which came to pass thus.
While this Gentleman was doing with my dame, my Master came in so suddenly, that he had no leisure to pluck up his hose, but with them about his legs ran into a corner behind the painted cloth, and there stood, I warrant you, as still as a mouse. As soon as my Master came in, his wife according to her old want caught him about the neck and kissed him and devised many means to have got him forth again but he being weary sat down and called for his dinner, and when she saw there was none other remedy, she brought it him. I seeing this, and minding to show my Master, got behind the cloth and to make the man speak I clawed upon his bare legs and buttocks, and for all this he stood still and never moved. But my Master heard me and thinking I was catching a mouse had my dame go help me who, knowing what beast was there, came to the cloth, and called me away saying come puss, come puss, and cast my meat in to the floor.
But I minding another thing, and seeing that scratching could not move him, suddenly I leapt up and caught him by the genitals with my teeth, and bit so hard, that — after he had restrained more then I thought any man could — at last he cried out and caught me by the neck and thinking to have strangled me. My Master not smelling but hearing such a Rat as was not want to be about such walls, came to the cloth and lifted it up and there he found this bare-assed Gentleman strangling me, who had his stones in my mouth. When I saw my Master I let go my hold, and the Gentleman his, and away I ran immediately to the place where I now dwell, and never came there since so that how they agreed among them I cannot tell, nor never dare go see, for fear of my life.
– Beware the Cat, William Baldwin, 16th Century AD
