THE SCENE: Behold this weird and unsettling story about a vicious cat that’s either a demon, or a were-cat, or the king of cats, or something else entirely.
THE TEXT: There was a solider called Patrick Apore, who wanted to cause trouble in the night upon Cayer Makart – his master’s enemy. He got him with his servant & in the night time entered into a town of two houses and broke in and slew the people, and then took such cattle as they found, which was a Cow and a sheep and departed therewith homeward. Wondering if they were being pursued (the dogs had made such shrill barking) he got into a church, thinking to lurk there till midnight was past, for there he was sure that no man would seek him, for the wild Irishmen men held Churches in such reverence – till our men taught them the contrary – that they neither would nor dared either rob ought thence, or hurt any man that took the church yard for sanctuary, even if he had killed his father.
While this soldier was in the Church, he thought it best to dine for he had eaten little that day, wherefore he made his boy go gather sticks. He made a fire in the Church and killed the sheep, and after the Irish fashion laid it there upon and roasted. When it was ready and that he thought to eat it there came in a cat and she sat by him, and said in Irish, ‘Shane foel’, which is ‘give me some meat’. He, amazed at this, gave her the quarter that was in his hand, which immediately she did eat up, and asked for more until she had consumed all the sheep. Wherefore they supposed it were the Devil, and therefore thinking it wisdom to please him, killed the Cow which they had stolen, and when they had flaid it, they gave the Cat a quarter which she immediately devoured, they gave her two other quarters, and in the meanwhile after the country fashion they did cut a piece of the hide and pricked it upon four stakes which they set about the fire, and therein they set a piece of the Cow for themselves, and with the rest of the hide, they made each of them laps wear about their feet like broges, both to keep their feet from hurt all the next day, and also to serve for meat the next night if they could get none other, by boiling the soles.
By this time the Cat had eaten three quarters and called for more, wherefore they gave her that which was cooking, and they wondered whether she would eat them because they had no more meat for her. They got out of the Church and the soldier took his horse and away he rode as fast as he could. When he was a mile or two from the Church, the moon began to shine, and his servant spied the cat upon his master’s horse behind him and told him, whereupon the soldier took his spear and turning his face toward her flung it, and impaled her thorough with it. Immediately there came to her such a sight of Cats, that after long fight with them : his servant was killed and eaten up. He himself, as good and as swift as his horse was had much to do to escape.
When he was come home and had put of his chain mail : all weary and hungry, he sat down by his wife and told her his adventure, which when a kitten which his wife kept for almost half a year had heard: up she started and said, ‘hast thou killed Grimmalkin?’ & therewith she plunged in his face, and with her teeth took him by the throat, & before she could be taken away, she had strangled him.
– Beware the Cat, William Baldwin, 16th Century AD
