THE SCENE: When Charlemagne decrees that all bishops must deliver a sermon to their congregation at least once, one bishop proves so incompetent that his sermon degenerates into schoolyard bullying.
THE TEXT: The most religious emperor Charles gave orders that all bishops throughout his wide kingdom should preach in their cathedral before a certain day, which he appointed, under penalty of being deprived of the episcopal dignity if they failed to comply with the order. The bishop was alarmed at this command, so he invited two of the palace nobles on the festal day, and after the reading of the Gospel mounted pulpit as though he were going to address the people. All the people ran together in wonder at so unexpected an occurrence, except one poor red-headed fellow, who had is head covered with his boot because he had no hat and was foolishly ashamed of his red hair. Then the bishop – bishop in name but not in deed – called to his doorkeeper, or rather his henchman (whose dignity and duties went by the name of the aedileship among the ancient Romans), and said: “Bring me that man in the hat who is standing there near the door of the church.” The doorkeeper made haste to obey, seized the poor man and began to drag him towards the bishop. But he feared some heavy penalty for daring to stand in the house of God with covered head, and struggled with all his might to avoid being brought before the tribunal and most harsh judge. But the bishop, looking from his perch, now addressing his vassal and now chiding the poor knave, bawled out and preached as follows: “Here with him! Willy-nilly you’ve got to come.” When at least force or fear brought him near, the bishop cried: “Come nearer; you must come quite close.” Then he snatched the head-covering from his captive and cried to the people: “Lo and behold, all ye people: this lazy fellow is red-headed.” Then he returned to the altar and performed the ceremony, or pretended to perform it.
– Gesta Karoli, Notker the Stammerer, 9th Century AD
